Normally, during breaks we spend time together talking…normally
Today is the first day of my online class and I am locked in my room, in front of my screen. I click on the link and I am in a virtual room in Zoom. I have to make a good first impression. I need to be smiley and talkative, but not too much. Faces start entering out of nowhere. I hear a click and then a new person enters the room. This creates a sense of suspense. Who’s next? All of them could be potential friends. We introduce ourselves and now I realize we all live in a different country. My first thought is that I would love to find out more about their culture. We can have the time to get to know each other during the break. Time flies and we are free for ten minutes. Wonderful, now it is time to start a small talk. I could just ask a random question. Oh wait, where is everybody going? Why are you switching off your camera and microphone? How are we supposed to get closer to each other? University is supposed to be a place that promotes socializing, I think to myself. I stand in an empty virtual room, getting this bitter feeling of disappointment. Normally, during breaks we spend time together talking…normally. I switch everything off, even the smile on my face, and now I am waiting.
My mind screams “help”, but I feel like I have lost my voice
Here I am, waiting for another lecture online. Today I am just not in a mood. Tired, bored, focused in other problems, I feel like I want to escape. The lecture goes on, but my attention is only half with him. Suddenly I get my senses back, when I hear the professor saying “Now, please, open the app you have downloaded and start working”. The app? What app? I have no idea. I should ask for help, but I don’t want to give a negative impression. I see on my screen everyone working and feel like I am drowning. My mind screams “help”, but I feel like I have lost my voice. I am trying to think of a smart excuse for being mentally absent, but that’s just pointless. Here at the chat, there is a link, maybe I should click on it. The download takes so long, but my time is limited. “Wait, am I sweating now?”, “why should I always be so anxious?” I ask myself. My vision starts blurring. “Don’t cry, please, don’t cry, they can still see you”, I beg myself. I switch off my camera for a moment to calm down and then I come back. This is so intense. I hate feeling weak. I take a deep breath and the courage to admit that I was lost. The voices in my head start fading. I promise to myself not to lose conntact with reality again during a course.
